Nothing to Fear
by Sugarloafin
Summary: The night before the party descends into the lunar subterrane, Kain can't seem to snap out of his brooding, at least not without the help of a friend who every so often needs to indulge in a little brooding of his own.


The moon was quiet, as the blue planet never was. Kain found himself longing for some sort of sound to pierce his thoughts. No matter how he tried, they always came back to his guilt. He knew the others forgave him. Well, Cecil and Rosa had readily accepted him back, Edge had finally realized he was serious when he asked the ninja to kill him if necessary, and Rydia was at least no longer glaring daggers or threatening to summon Titan. He and they all knew he'd been an unwilling tool at Zemus's hand. He knew he had only to forgive himself. But any thoughts that he should be absolved, after nearly killing those closest to him, nearly being the cause of the world's destruction...well it only made him feel guilty all over again. Perhaps the word _nearly_ should have told him something, but he wasn't listening. He knew all of it, he just couldn't let go.

--

The first time he had been easy prey. He'd been disoriented, confused, and not a little lost after seeing first hand what His Majesty had fallen to. Oh he'd fought when the Red Wings had come looking for him. Knowing that they too were simply following orders, he had gone easy on them. But so concentrated was he on the physical battle that he had not noticed the slithering of darkness in his mind until it was too late. From then his every thought was twisted, warped, hounded by a sinister voice until that voice became his own and the slithering darkness inhabited his every limb to control him utterly. he had been locked away deep in his own self, forced to watch impotently as the darkness made him betray those he cared for most. And when the meteors had struck, the voice had howled it's pain, fleeing his body along with the darkness. He had crumpled like a puppet with it's strings cut. When he woke it was with a clear mind and full knowledge of what he'd done. He hadn't expected forgiveness, but they had given it, even when he tried to tell them what had let the darkness in.

The second time he had fought with every fiber of his being, and still it had not been enough. The voice had returned as soon as the wall fell, whispering to the dark places in his heart, seeking an anchor for the darkness. With every step he fought it back. He forced himself to recall every memory of laughing with Cecil, every time it had made him happy just to see Rosa smile. He thought of his father and what he would say. _He'd say 'To hell with you Golbez!'_ But that only made the darkness try harder. Behind each thought of Cecil it put a burning envy, behind each of Rosa's smiles a sinister promise, and behind all thoughts of honor or duty to his father and friends a bitter reminder that he'd betrayed them all once already. Finally, almost at the very door, the voice and darkness withdrew. He'd sagged to his knees as much in relief as from the exertion of his struggle. But it was a feint. They had only drawn back to strike again all the harder. Before he'd even realized he'd lost he was charging into his friend, grabbing the crystal and running for the exit. The last clear thought he had was of Cecil's eyes as he went down, filled with more shock than pain.

When at last the voice and darkness had fled for good, all he could think of was getting his friends safely away from the collapsing giant. He hadn't noticed the new pain and confusion in Cecil's eyes, or the way he stood with his head bowed and always seeming to be looking inward. If he had, Kain might have assumed he was the cause, and rightly so. He knew no words to express his guilt so he said nothing beyond an assurance that his mind and body were his own again. Rosa and Rydia took on Cecil's role and explained what the paladin could or would not say about the man they had known as Golbez. Though as shocked as the rest, Kain could only think that Zemus's choice of pawns was both cruel and fitting.

--

Kain heard the steady footsteps behind him and knew immediately who they belonged to. Still, he didn't turn from gazing at the lunar landscape even when Cecil came to sit beside him on the broad stairs. Neither of them said a word, and finally Kain turned to look at his friend. Cecil was staring out towards the horizon determinedly, but Kain could see the conflict behind that facade. Was it over him or Golbez? Or both? He turned back to stare out over the landscape again, wishing for some creature to break the silence. But the moon appeared deserted, there was only the two of them.

"It looks so foreign." Kain said at last. He felt stupid as soon as he said it. It was a pointless nothing, like talking about the weather.

"It should. But it doesn't." Cecil gaze didn't leave the far lunar hills. Perhaps it wasn't as pointless a statement as Kain thought. His friend's new found Lunarian heritage wasn't something he thought about, it just didn't seem real to him. "Everything here is new to me, but it still seems somehow familiar. Is blood really that much of who we are?"

Kain dropped his eyes to his feet, not willing to admit he was relieved to know he was not the whole cause of Cecil's inner struggle. "He was used even as I was."

"How can you shift the blame so easily? How can you turn aside hatred so quickly?" Cecil whispered harshly. "How can you forgive him so readily when you know better than any what he did?"

"To condemn him is to condemn myself. And perhaps I also know better what he went through." Kain let his own voice fall to a whisper. "How can you forgive me and still blame him?"

Cecil was quiet for a long moment and Kain dreaded the answer to that. Even though he didn't feel he deserved it, he cherished the forgiveness of his friends. Finally, the paladin spoke, and his voice carried a refreshing lightness. "Perhaps because I know you. You're a brother to me in truth if not by blood. He is just a name and a mask. But that is no more his fault than it is mine."

Kain suppressed a heavy sigh. He should have known better. Cecil had long since conquered whatever darkness his heart held. He was a shining light, pure, uncorruptible. At the same time as Kain admired and truly respected that, it still touched on the old envy. Would he ever be able to do as much for himself?

"I've always envied you, you know."

Kain stared at his friend in disbelief. What was there that Cecil could possibly envy in him? Slowly the paladin's eyes moved from the distant hills to return Kain's stare. There was truth in them, and a little sadness, but also a bit of his familiar steadfastness. No, Cecil was not one to brood when people needed him. Kain couldn't believe it, the bright shining hero Cecil envied _him?_

Cecil gave a soft chuckle. "I thought that's what you'd think. But I mean it. Whenever you talked about your father and how you wanted to be a great dragoon like him...I always wished for that. To have a father who I could follow, a legacy of honor to aspire to."

"But...the king..."

"Why do you think I was so eager to take up the dark sword when he asked? I was simply trying to do what you had done and follow the path of a father. But though he raised me, it was always clear what His Majesty was and was not."

Kain was staggered. Cecil had never said a word, never let on. _Just like I didn't about Rosa. _"You've found him now though. Your real father. And you're living out his legacy, I mean we're sitting on part of it right now."

Another soft chuckle, this one sad instead of mischievous. "A legacy indeed. Strength and spirit I would not have found otherwise, and something else. Something that makes this place feel familiar to me, something that makes me feel not quite human. I have found many things through this legacy, but I haven't found a father, just a name without even a mask."

To that Kain had no answer, and Cecil said nothing further. They simply stared at the horizon for long moments. Finally Cecil broke the stillness and stood. When Kain made no move to follow, his friend offered him a hand up.

"If you don't go get some rest you'll be falling asleep on your feet tomorrow." Cecil's eyes were mischievous and once again full of the determination the party had come to rely upon. He was not one to brood when people needed him. He was the strength they drew on. "I'll be counting on you."

Kain took the hand with a determined smile of his own. He knew that even heroes needed someone to draw strength from themselves. "Then you have nothing to fear."


End file.
